In October 2007 Lawrence visited his parents by himself, again buying them groceries and taking them to the doctor and other places. He finally convinced his parents to sign a form allowing him to talk to his father’s doctor. His father’ health had deteriorated further, but Lawrence still would not take away his license. They drove in madness, with Lawrence going the wrong direction as his father insisted over and over that he knew the right way to go, but Lawrence knowing himself that it was not. Ah, the power of an established relationship. Even in his father’s illness and infirmity, Lawrence saw him as his strong, all knowing father.

Milford had been a supervisor and consultant for Ingersoll-Rand. He had driven all over the United States, and in other countries, trouble shooting and repairing huge industrial compressors. He was a dominant personality and enjoyed power and control even in his personal life.

Milford had a less than ideal beginning in life. Orphaned in essence at age three when his mother died of cancer, he was placed in his elderly great Aunt Alice’s care. Milford’s father and much older brothers and sister chose not care for him for various reasons. Milford’s sister, who was a delicate flower, died of pneumonia when Milford was only ten. Aunt Alice’s husband was struck by a car and killed as he crossed the road to retrieve his mail when Milford was only four. Aunt Alice opened a boarding house for single men and worked at a telephone company. During the summers, Milford was placed in an orphanage and occasionally with other relatives. During the school year, while he lived with Aunt Alice, Milford was free to fish, hunt and trap when he was not in school. As a senior in high school, he was drafted into WWII, but only served a year because the war ended. He then finished high school and married his childhood sweetheart, Marjorie.

The rest of his life was lived in the fairy dust of Marjorie’s family’s money. Marjorie’s family paid for his college education and bought a house for them near their own house. Marjorie and Milford never had to want for food or clothing or gifts for their two sons because Marjorie’s parents provided for them. They took yearly vacations to Florida and spent half of every summer in the family cottage on Keuka Lake. They had a boat and loved to water ski and fish. When Marjorie’s parents passed away, Milford retired at age sixty two and Milford and Marjorie built a large house overlooking Keuka Lake, filling it with expensive decorative touches and Ethan Allen furniture. Milford’s early retirement was spent fishing and hanging out with his only surviving sibling, Pete, and his buddies at the Lodge. He lived a good life, but he had stopped attending church at age 50 when Marjorie refused to go. She told me she was suspicious of the motives of her fellow parishioners and accused them of hypocrisy.

Marjorie was a perfect match for Milford. He wanted and needed someone who would never leave him, someone who would be dependent upon him and make him feel secure. She wanted and needed someone who would take care of her and endure her idiosyncrasies. To illustrate the depth of the psychological damage he had endured, I will disclose that Milford was so insecure when they married that he wet the bed every night. Eventually that stopped, Marjorie told me, but I am not sure of the time frame. This fact is significant later in Milford’s story.

Milford and Marjorie began attending church and were born again Christians when they were both 33 years old. They enjoyed an active church life and created many happy memories for their sons filled with youth activities and inter-generational outings. Christianity was a fundamental and active part of their family life. That all ended when Marjorie was about 50. Milford should have attended church without Marjorie. Church attendance is so important for the elderly. Not only does it provide socialization for the elderly, but it can be a safety net for those who have problems, if the church is obeying scripture, which instructs us to care for the sick and the dying. For example, if Milford and Marjorie had been attending church, their fellow believers may have noticed when Milford began losing weight. They may have inquired into his situation further by visiting his home. They may have even gone for a ride in the car with him and noticed his lack of driving ability. They should have called family members for help or gotten in touch with local agencies whose goal is to aid the elderly. At least that is how a Christ centered church is supposed to work, I believe. I have seen it working in the lives of many people in my church and those of family members. Church members are also known to visit those who are home bound or who are in nursing homes as part of their mission in life.

I tried to care for my father-in-law in my home when the family realized he was unable to make good decisions and unable to control his bowel and bladder. Before coming to live with us, my mother and father in law lived in New York, and we lived 450 miles away in Kentucky, where we were struggling with two teenage sons who were making poor decisions regularly. I invited my mother and father-in-law to share our home on many occasions for ten previous years, but they always declined my offers. My mother in law kept my father-in-law’s infirmities secret before they came to live with us because she did not want to lose the independence they had formerly enjoyed. They had been married for 62 years and had known one another since they were eight years old.

When Milford started falling regularly, and was unable to get out of the bathtub, Marjorie did not tell anyone except the neighbors who had to rescue him on more than one occasion. Marjorie cleaned up his urine and excrement messes without the use of adult briefs, so she scrubbed carpets, upholstery and car seats when he had an “accident”. Speaking of “accidents”, Milford was driving until two weeks before we rescued them both. Later we learned that they had several close calls including driving the wrong way down an interstate highway.

We visited Marjorie and Milford in March 2007, after not having visited for a year. Milford’s weight loss and unsteadiness was alarming. Even so, Marjorie refused come with us, or elsewhere to obtain assistance with activities for daily living. Activities for daily living, or ADLs, as they are called by the medical world, are noticeable at different times for different people. Some people do not feed themselves adequately or seek medical attention when necessary in their sixties. For others, independence can be maintained until their eighties or even nineties. Weight loss is a red flag for a loss of ADLs, as is memory loss. Financial problems often signal dementia. Of course falls and a loss of bowel and bladder control are major concerns. Marjorie was able to keep her house clean, but she could not pay bills, feed herself and Milford adequately, or obtain proper medical care for either of them. I saw their need, but my husband and his brother did not. I begged my husband and brother in law to take action, but they would not. My phone calls to Marjorie and Milford increasingly gave me reason to be alarmed, and Marjorie began calling us, asking for money to pay bills.

I called local agencies for the aged and the veteran’s administration and the local police to try to get some help for them. The agencies made visits to Milford and Marjorie’s house, but Marjorie would not allow them to enter. On one occasion Milford went to the grocery store, alone, at Marjorie’s request. He told the store manager his wife had been waiting in the car, but when he went to his car after shopping his wife was gone, and he insisted that she had been kidnapped. The store manager called the police, who came to the grocery store and followed Milford to his home, where they found Marjorie.

Marjorie did not accompany him to the store in the first place. I find it incredulous that the police did not do anything about testing his driving abilities. Older people are such a real and imminent danger to everyone on or near a roadway. Senior citizen’s driving skills should be tested yearly beginning at age 65. We cannot rely on family members or doctors to take away their licenses. My own husband and brother in law could not do it, and I have talked with many people who have had similar situations. A judge in a county in Kentucky told me of an elderly gentleman who came to the courthouse to get his license renewed.

He showed obvious signs of dementia, including not being able to fill out forms and not being able to find the door to exit. As is Kentucky law, the license was renewed. In order for a license to be contested, a form must be filled out and sent to the Kentucky State licensing bureau in the capital city of Frankfort by the judge or another qualified person in the courthouse. The form was sent, and a state trooper appeared a few weeks later at the elderly gentleman’s house, requesting the surrender of his license. A few days later, the elderly gentleman’s wife stormed into the courthouse, demanding to talk to the judge who had filed the papers to have his license revoked. The wife said, “Judge, you have ripped away his manhood. He has no reason to live. To not drive a car in these parts is to be confined to the house and that may as well be prison. How can he get his license back?” The judge explained that the only recourse was to get a doctor’s statement, certifying that he was medically capable of driving a car.

Soon the judge saw the elderly man driving again, and since it was such a small community, the judge knew the elderly gentleman’s physician. She called him and asked if he had given his permission for the man to be driving. He said yes, he had, even though he knew the man suffered from severe dementia. The judge was incredulous and asked how he could do such a thing? Didn’t he realize he was jeopardizing the safety of others? He said, “Judge, most of my income is from the elderly citizens of this county and the surrounding counties. If word gets out that I will take away their driver’s license, how many patients do you think will continue to come to see me?” Five years ago, a local young family of four was killed when a woman with Alzheimer’s drove the wrong way down the interstate. Her family publicly apologized for not taking their mother’s license away. Milford was a bus driver for the county in which he lived until age 80. He had to undergo rigorous yearly testing to keep his chauffer’s license, including a physical. His doctor took his chauffer’s license away two years before our intervention.

When we were told he was not driving the bus any longer, we were told he was dismissed because of a disagreement with a certain supervisor and he was very upset about it. No mention was made of a doctor’s physical or order. When I called his physician to ask about his health, I was told that information was confidential and could not be released. So I asked my husband to call the doctor. He was not on the Permission to Release Information Form either, he was told. Only my brother in law was permitted to be told his health information, and he seemed unconcerned and would not find out what Milford’s doctor had to say about his health. My brother-in-law, John, felt that his mother was capable of taking care of herself and his father. I have since learned my brother-in-law suffers from delusions and denial, a common malady of children of aging parents. Wake up, you children of the aged! They need your help! Society needs your help!

In April I called to discover that Milford had taken himself to the doctor for some tests. The lab called him and told him he had extremely high potassium levels and he needed to go to the hospital immediately or he might die. He drove himself to the hospital and they were able to help him. During a phone conversation with him while he was in the hospital he told me that he spilled something and the hospital staff was aggravated with him. Surely they could surmise his unsteadiness and inability to function for driving. Yet the hospital allowed him to drive himself home! Incredible!

In May my husband visited his parents along with his brother. They spent a week there and remarked how their father became angry with them repeatedly because he wanted them to turn a certain erroneous direction as they were on their way to one place or another, and he insisted they were going the wrong way, even though he had known the right way to the destination all his life. They were puzzled by his behavior and remarked on his lack of bladder control. They bought their parents food and three dozen pairs of underwear (not adult briefs!?) and bid their parents farewell. This was not a rational decision. Before they left I questioned my brother in law over and over about his decision to leave them to themselves in their current situation, hoping that he would see the error and irresponsibility of not getting help for them while he was there, but he would not be persuaded. My husband, Larry, always did what his older brother wanted to do.

In June I received two phone calls from other family members who were visiting the area from out of state, asking if we were getting help for them. I sadly told them my hands were tied, but I asked them to please call John, my husband’s brother, to try to convince him of the need to intervene. In July John visited them with his son and Larry. Again they left after a week without having done anything lasting to improve their situation.

To be continued…….